…the deconstruction of a once sane existence

Archive for February, 2011

…To Spite Your Face

(well,  I seem to have a habit of writing drafts and not post them – this is entry no. two for 1/31/11 that i didn’t post………it was a bad day, trust me.  So, true to form, I’m posting them late, but at least I’m posting them, LOL)

Well, just opened up a box that was delivered and guess what I found?  You will never EVER guess!!  A side mirror to hubby’s outlander.  Gave him an IM, and asked him about it.  Seems he smashed it a couple of weeks ago.  (Never once said a word to me, btw)  Apparently he was on his way to work, when some guy, going the opposite way, smashed the mirror driving by. (yeah, THAT close!)  according to T, the other guy was a foot on his side and there was no shoulder, so I’m assuming they skimmed each other.  The other guy kept going and T was left with a smashed mirror.  He even admitted that and inch closer, and things would have been much, much worse.

Now I know…a few questions arise from this little story – first and foremost, could T not swerve out of the way?  Well, let me tell you, that is not what T does…he will ride the dividing line if he thinks the on coming car is too close to his side of the road.  He feels it is his duty to teach the other driver to stay on their side of the road.  Isn’t he afraid he will cause an accident you ask?  He believes that if an accident should occur, it will be the other driver’s fault, so they will have to take care of everything.  Forget the fact that he would have no way to get home…he would have to get a tow truck…get it to a garage…deal with his insurance company…figure out a way to get to and from work…….yeah, he wouldn’t have to deal with anything – NOT!

This is a discussion I have had with him so many, many times, for I have been sitting next to him countless times when he has done this.  I have called him the poster child for ‘cutting your nose off to spite your face’.  For some god forsaken reason he thinks that everyone should get out of his way and cow-tow to his will, his wishes.  And let me tell you, he sort of laughs it off when he ends up on the other side of the line and he gets in someone else’s way.

So, anyways, now we are stuck with the bill of a brand new side mirror (yeah, I know, he should have checked around and gotten a second-hand one), and getting it installed.  And for some reason it is no big deal that he did this – that he is actually responsible for the entire incident (I mean really – doesn’t one know by the age of 46 that you DON’T play chicken on the road??).

And to rub salt in the wound, he has been mad at me for the last two weeks, being snide and giving me the silent treatment (this was because I used Skype – he was under the delusion that I had to log into a persons personal server to get into Skype and talk to them.  A fact that is, and if you have ever used Skype you know this already, simply is not true.) He was under the impression that the person I was chatting to could trace my ip address and find where I am.  (ok, this is where I call him idiot).  So here I have been – beating myself up, tip-toeing around him, trying not to ensue his wrath any further, a giant knot in my stomach eating away at my insides, and he went ahead and caused an accident and didn’t say a word – geesh.

Am I such a horrible person that I bring this type of mayhem onto myself?  Am I atoning for some horrific deed from my checkered past?  Am I just a bad person who deserves no happiness or joy in their life?  If this is what the powers that be are trying to beat me over the head with, then I should just move my plans up and end it asap.

Ahh well…. so, there is yet another tidbit that is transforming my sanity into something that is not.




Ya know, I don’t know what it is with me – do I have some neon sign blinking over my head saying dumb-ass?  Gullible bitch that is dumb enough to believe whatever line anyone spiels? That’s right! Step right up folks, give the lil’ missy you’re most outrageous line, throw in some puppy dog eyes and an innuendo of mock sincerity, and she will give you whatever the hell you want!!

… I am just a putz ….  See what happens when you think, if only for a moment, that there are people out there that don’t want to use you for whatever purpose that suits them?  I am such an idiot… ahh well…..back to being stone cold…time to start getting serious about getting everything in order…I’m not gonna make it for three more years – just too much damn work.  Time to concentrate on getting my affairs in order – go through everything and throw stuff away and organize things.  I just don’t get why anyone would want to stay in this world…I sure as hell don’t want to.


(this draft was originally written 1/31/11)