…the deconstruction of a once sane existence

emotional

How Things are Yet Again…

I’m not in a good way right now.  Seems he has gone back to his way of derogating me – swearing at me, belittling me, etc.  I’m back to not being able to do anything right again, going back to him changing they way he wants done again.  Even the simplest of things seem to be a source of ridicule with him. 

Case in point – (this is dumb, but it’s a good example) I had first prepared his Steakums sandwich leaving the steak patties whole; he then asked me to shred them, draining the grease from it, and mixing the cheese throughout the Steakums, and not just on top.  Now he came up to me while I was cooking them, watched me shred his steak, and asked me why I do that to his.  I informed him because that was how he said he wanted his Steakums fixed.  He went on to say that ohh no, he never said such a thing. I debated the point with him, and my son confirmed that yes, he had indeed wanted his Steakums that way.  Even after that, he denied it fanatically, so now he is back to having his Steakums fixed the way I originally did.

And he has gotten nasty again.  Swearing at me with such zeal and disgust it throws me off guard every time.  Tell me how much of an idiot I am; how stupid and what an ass and bitch I am.  I’m back to being afraid to open my mouth again around him.  He seems to go out of his way to try and make me feel worthless now.  Last week he had IM’s me and asked me what’s for dinner – I told him lasagna.  He chastised and poo-pooed me for making something hot when it was hot outside.  I asked him what he would propose I make, and he sent me links to some articles bout something cold for dinner.  I then informed him that they were all well and good…if I had any of the ingredients.

Over the weekend I had asked him a simple question about if this rubber tubing could go inside this fixture thingy, and he just went off again at me – yelling at me about what a “fucking stupid question” that was – about how much an idiot I was for asking such a “fucking stupid” thing…  And this was in the middle of Lowe’s when he was belittling me.

Now mind you, this was after he took us to see the new Harry Potter movie at a special midnight showing.  Of course I found out later that he took the next day off, so I question his reasoning for taking us – I thought he was just trying to be really nice and sweet, but now I wonder if he just did it as an excuse  not go to work the next day.

Let’s see…what else…ah yes, my central a/c unit bit the big one.  Now mind you, he would not normally have it fixed, but he has his frogs and they can’t take the heat (never mind the fact that I can’t take the heat either – he doesn’t give a crap about that).  So when the repair guy said it’s done (the compressor is shot), he was ok with the idea of getting a window unit.  I want several to take care of the house, but he would only allow one for the living room/dining room/den/kitchen (its all pretty much open).  But it’s something, and something is better then nothing. (I want 2-3 smaller units for the bedrooms.  I can get some at Wal-Mart or Lowe’s for about a hundred bucks each, but of course can’t do that cuz he spends all our money on frog crap).

Not only that, but he wouldn’t let me put it in the window I wanted to.  It’s a wide window and would have to put wooden panels on either side of the unit.  Now I told him this on IM when we were discussing it, but when it came down to doing it, he flipped.  He kept saying that we didn’t have the wood, but we have some off to the side, but I think he just didn’t want me to use it.  His excuse was that the window wouldn’t hold it, yet the window he put it in is holding it just find with no assistance.  And he moved things around in the living room to “accommodate” where the unit is, and now he sits in front of the a/c, and I have no light to do my work.

I don’t know what’s got him so mad lately, but I’m back to being scared around him again – and with that comes the dread and panic attacks when the time for him to come home draws near.

So, that’s how things are shaping up in my life, lol.

~M~~~


My two Sides

Ok so I have these two sides – one is logical, intelligent, and knowledgeable.  They other is a bit more… distorted – broken, defeated and even a touch masochistic it seems; and it goes from one end of the spectrum – extremely emotional – to the other – completely detached and no emotions at all.  I tell this because I have not really given background to what I have been through, and I know that some of it will sound absurd.  How could someone put up with such treatment?  The fact of the matter is a lot of the time I blame myself for a lot of the treatment I have endured.  Sort of a “you made your bed, now lie in it” attitude.  That would be the “distorted” side I think; or maybe it’s the logical side? Guess it could be either.  I have a tendency to approach and describe all of this with a detached, analytical eye at times – an “it is what it is” mind-set.
Well, I’ll let everyone else be the judge of that as I let my story unfold…
~M~~~

Release Valve

(This post was originally written 1/31/11 as well – quite a busy day for me it seems, LOL)

One of the reasons I started this blog/journal, besides making some sort of record of things, was to give me a place to put down my feelings and pain.  There was a time that in order to deal with my inner pain, I cut myself; sliced my arm, my inner thigh.  It was a way to stop the spiraling inner pain, sort of like when you slap a hysterical chick to get her under control – it was an outlet.

But I’ve been good for a good year and a half and not cut… until recently that is.  I can’t seem to get on top of things, like a surfer getting on top of a giant wave.  If I don’t ride it just so, it will come crashing down on my head with such force that it will keep me under and I will simply drown.

Don’t know what I’m gonna do if I can’t get this spiraling pain thing under control…


~M~~~