…the deconstruction of a once sane existence

every day

How Things are Yet Again…

I’m not in a good way right now.  Seems he has gone back to his way of derogating me – swearing at me, belittling me, etc.  I’m back to not being able to do anything right again, going back to him changing they way he wants done again.  Even the simplest of things seem to be a source of ridicule with him. 

Case in point – (this is dumb, but it’s a good example) I had first prepared his Steakums sandwich leaving the steak patties whole; he then asked me to shred them, draining the grease from it, and mixing the cheese throughout the Steakums, and not just on top.  Now he came up to me while I was cooking them, watched me shred his steak, and asked me why I do that to his.  I informed him because that was how he said he wanted his Steakums fixed.  He went on to say that ohh no, he never said such a thing. I debated the point with him, and my son confirmed that yes, he had indeed wanted his Steakums that way.  Even after that, he denied it fanatically, so now he is back to having his Steakums fixed the way I originally did.

And he has gotten nasty again.  Swearing at me with such zeal and disgust it throws me off guard every time.  Tell me how much of an idiot I am; how stupid and what an ass and bitch I am.  I’m back to being afraid to open my mouth again around him.  He seems to go out of his way to try and make me feel worthless now.  Last week he had IM’s me and asked me what’s for dinner – I told him lasagna.  He chastised and poo-pooed me for making something hot when it was hot outside.  I asked him what he would propose I make, and he sent me links to some articles bout something cold for dinner.  I then informed him that they were all well and good…if I had any of the ingredients.

Over the weekend I had asked him a simple question about if this rubber tubing could go inside this fixture thingy, and he just went off again at me – yelling at me about what a “fucking stupid question” that was – about how much an idiot I was for asking such a “fucking stupid” thing…  And this was in the middle of Lowe’s when he was belittling me.

Now mind you, this was after he took us to see the new Harry Potter movie at a special midnight showing.  Of course I found out later that he took the next day off, so I question his reasoning for taking us – I thought he was just trying to be really nice and sweet, but now I wonder if he just did it as an excuse  not go to work the next day.

Let’s see…what else…ah yes, my central a/c unit bit the big one.  Now mind you, he would not normally have it fixed, but he has his frogs and they can’t take the heat (never mind the fact that I can’t take the heat either – he doesn’t give a crap about that).  So when the repair guy said it’s done (the compressor is shot), he was ok with the idea of getting a window unit.  I want several to take care of the house, but he would only allow one for the living room/dining room/den/kitchen (its all pretty much open).  But it’s something, and something is better then nothing. (I want 2-3 smaller units for the bedrooms.  I can get some at Wal-Mart or Lowe’s for about a hundred bucks each, but of course can’t do that cuz he spends all our money on frog crap).

Not only that, but he wouldn’t let me put it in the window I wanted to.  It’s a wide window and would have to put wooden panels on either side of the unit.  Now I told him this on IM when we were discussing it, but when it came down to doing it, he flipped.  He kept saying that we didn’t have the wood, but we have some off to the side, but I think he just didn’t want me to use it.  His excuse was that the window wouldn’t hold it, yet the window he put it in is holding it just find with no assistance.  And he moved things around in the living room to “accommodate” where the unit is, and now he sits in front of the a/c, and I have no light to do my work.

I don’t know what’s got him so mad lately, but I’m back to being scared around him again – and with that comes the dread and panic attacks when the time for him to come home draws near.

So, that’s how things are shaping up in my life, lol.




So, it’s the 18 of April, and tax day.  He went and spent over a thousand bucks (more like $1500.00, if not more) on frog stuff (and he doesn’t even have the frogs yet, ugh),  and when we paid the taxes, we had to use the credit card to pay it, and beg borrow and steal to pay the state taxes, cuz  they only take payments from accounts, not credit cards.  And all in time for my birthday this Friday and Easter this Sunday.

Now here’s an added bonus, the last major purchase he made for his frog stuff, was a security cam system, complete with 8 cameras.  Seems he wanted to be able to watch his frogs (which he doesn’t have yet mind you), but all I can see is a way for him to spy on me.  Of course he insisted it was to watch his frogs, but wouldn’t ya know it, he pointed one of those stupid cameras right where I sit in the living room.  The man needs some serious professional help.

But before that, he said he wanted to give me his computer room for a bedroom (at the time I had my futon in the side room off the living room – no doors, just a double wide opening like you would see between a living room and a dining room).  I jumped at it, before he could change his mind, though I always thought he would anyways and take it back, which he hasn’t (says he likes the idea of me having my own room, go figure).

Oh, and did I mention that the washer died last week?  I was sooo upset; thought he would tell me to deal, worse case scenario – that I would have to wash everything by hand.  Best – I would be able to go to the Laundromat and actually dry the clothes).  But then he said to look and see if Lowe’s had a 6-month same as cash thing, and then we could go get a washer/dryer from there.  I was floored, but again, jumped at it.  Of course the day they were suppose to deliver them, their truck broke down and had to wait an additional 2 days to get them, but I have them now, and I no longer have to hang every thing up – WOOT (my dryer hasn’t been able to dry anything for a year and a half)!

Wow, I really haven’t written in a while, because I just realized that I didn’t mention that he let me finally get glasses too!  Have needed them for two years, and he backed out of my last attempt at getting glasses.  He was none too pleased in letting me make an appointment (it was Adam’s 16th birthday, and he took the day off and kept Adam out of school for the day).  It took way too long in his opinion, but he muddled through, even though it still was quite expensive in my assessment (even with insurance), he paid it and let me get them.  Oh I ended up getting progressive with 3 lines of vision – my first pair of glasses and they’re bifocals, lol.

Ok, stopping right now –

The Ring

(Ok, well here is post no. three that I just left in draft form on 1/31/11 – why break up a set, right? LOL)

Well here we go, they say things always come in three’s, don’t they? So, first I had an online friend pretty much give me the kiss off (I feel so used, but that’s a whole other thing – quite frankly it hurts too much to discuss yet), then I find out the hubby got into a car accident because of his ‘I’m-better-then-everyone-else-so-you-better-get-the-hell-outa-my-way’ attitude, and now this… see, my son’s class ring was delivered today, and the first thing that this wonderful father of my offspring did was take it away.  He informed my son that he doesn’t get it until he actually graduates from high school.  Who ever heard of such a thing??  Seriously, he gives the word controlling a whole new meaning.

Ah well, just another day in the torturous life of…..


…To Spite Your Face

(well,  I seem to have a habit of writing drafts and not post them – this is entry no. two for 1/31/11 that i didn’t post………it was a bad day, trust me.  So, true to form, I’m posting them late, but at least I’m posting them, LOL)

Well, just opened up a box that was delivered and guess what I found?  You will never EVER guess!!  A side mirror to hubby’s outlander.  Gave him an IM, and asked him about it.  Seems he smashed it a couple of weeks ago.  (Never once said a word to me, btw)  Apparently he was on his way to work, when some guy, going the opposite way, smashed the mirror driving by. (yeah, THAT close!)  according to T, the other guy was a foot on his side and there was no shoulder, so I’m assuming they skimmed each other.  The other guy kept going and T was left with a smashed mirror.  He even admitted that and inch closer, and things would have been much, much worse.

Now I know…a few questions arise from this little story – first and foremost, could T not swerve out of the way?  Well, let me tell you, that is not what T does…he will ride the dividing line if he thinks the on coming car is too close to his side of the road.  He feels it is his duty to teach the other driver to stay on their side of the road.  Isn’t he afraid he will cause an accident you ask?  He believes that if an accident should occur, it will be the other driver’s fault, so they will have to take care of everything.  Forget the fact that he would have no way to get home…he would have to get a tow truck…get it to a garage…deal with his insurance company…figure out a way to get to and from work…….yeah, he wouldn’t have to deal with anything – NOT!

This is a discussion I have had with him so many, many times, for I have been sitting next to him countless times when he has done this.  I have called him the poster child for ‘cutting your nose off to spite your face’.  For some god forsaken reason he thinks that everyone should get out of his way and cow-tow to his will, his wishes.  And let me tell you, he sort of laughs it off when he ends up on the other side of the line and he gets in someone else’s way.

So, anyways, now we are stuck with the bill of a brand new side mirror (yeah, I know, he should have checked around and gotten a second-hand one), and getting it installed.  And for some reason it is no big deal that he did this – that he is actually responsible for the entire incident (I mean really – doesn’t one know by the age of 46 that you DON’T play chicken on the road??).

And to rub salt in the wound, he has been mad at me for the last two weeks, being snide and giving me the silent treatment (this was because I used Skype – he was under the delusion that I had to log into a persons personal server to get into Skype and talk to them.  A fact that is, and if you have ever used Skype you know this already, simply is not true.) He was under the impression that the person I was chatting to could trace my ip address and find where I am.  (ok, this is where I call him idiot).  So here I have been – beating myself up, tip-toeing around him, trying not to ensue his wrath any further, a giant knot in my stomach eating away at my insides, and he went ahead and caused an accident and didn’t say a word – geesh.

Am I such a horrible person that I bring this type of mayhem onto myself?  Am I atoning for some horrific deed from my checkered past?  Am I just a bad person who deserves no happiness or joy in their life?  If this is what the powers that be are trying to beat me over the head with, then I should just move my plans up and end it asap.

Ahh well…. so, there is yet another tidbit that is transforming my sanity into something that is not.



Ya know, I don’t know what it is with me – do I have some neon sign blinking over my head saying dumb-ass?  Gullible bitch that is dumb enough to believe whatever line anyone spiels? That’s right! Step right up folks, give the lil’ missy you’re most outrageous line, throw in some puppy dog eyes and an innuendo of mock sincerity, and she will give you whatever the hell you want!!

… I am just a putz ….  See what happens when you think, if only for a moment, that there are people out there that don’t want to use you for whatever purpose that suits them?  I am such an idiot… ahh well…..back to being stone cold…time to start getting serious about getting everything in order…I’m not gonna make it for three more years – just too much damn work.  Time to concentrate on getting my affairs in order – go through everything and throw stuff away and organize things.  I just don’t get why anyone would want to stay in this world…I sure as hell don’t want to.


(this draft was originally written 1/31/11)

My Little Drama

~~~Ok, so a quick note on this post – I had drafted it back on 11/28/10, but somehow didn’t post it, so I figured I might as well go ahead and post it, for what it’s worth~~~


So, the other week (on a Sunday) we sprung a leak in the bathroom – more precisely the water line leading to the toilet.  I was silently freaking out (as usual), trying to figure out a way to fix the damn thing.  T (Tony) was being oblivious to the whole situation, being hands off (as usual).

Now the reason for my freakage was because I can never predict what his reaction will be.  More times then not he finds a way to blame me for the situation and tells me to “deal with it” – on my own of course.  So Monday morning I went on the hunt for plumber’s putty, hoping that I could fix it on my own.  Took a few stores, but I finally found some, and spent the next four hours trying to plug up this leak that was not only making a small pond in the bathroom, but was also forming a small stream in the kitchen (they share a wall and water was flowing under the wall – don’t ask).

By this time I was on the verge of tears, worried what his reaction would be, and had to concede that I was not going to be able to fix it myself.  I IM’d T, resigned to be ridiculed for my obvious inability to fix it myself, but lord and behold, he was understanding, nonjudgmental,  and simply responded that I should call the plumber.

WOW!!  Was NOT expecting that response – no name calling, no complaining about having to pay someone to come in and fix it, no sneering or being snide; just nicely saying that it probably was an easy fix, and that I will have to clean up.  Period, the end, stick a fork in it.  I was left speechless, and pleasantly surprised – the knot that was residing in the pit of my stomach suddenly dissolved and it seemed like the heavens opened and up and sunshine was bathing me in its warmth (too melodramatic? LOL).

Well, anyways, that was my little drama with the bathroom leak.  Might not seem all that much to an observer, but to me it was a bit traumatic, riddled with worse-case-scenarios, but in the end, not so bad 🙂 !