I’m not in a good way right now. Seems he has gone back to his way of derogating me – swearing at me, belittling me, etc. I’m back to not being able to do anything right again, going back to him changing they way he wants done again. Even the simplest of things seem to be a source of ridicule with him.
Case in point – (this is dumb, but it’s a good example) I had first prepared his Steakums sandwich leaving the steak patties whole; he then asked me to shred them, draining the grease from it, and mixing the cheese throughout the Steakums, and not just on top. Now he came up to me while I was cooking them, watched me shred his steak, and asked me why I do that to his. I informed him because that was how he said he wanted his Steakums fixed. He went on to say that ohh no, he never said such a thing. I debated the point with him, and my son confirmed that yes, he had indeed wanted his Steakums that way. Even after that, he denied it fanatically, so now he is back to having his Steakums fixed the way I originally did.
And he has gotten nasty again. Swearing at me with such zeal and disgust it throws me off guard every time. Tell me how much of an idiot I am; how stupid and what an ass and bitch I am. I’m back to being afraid to open my mouth again around him. He seems to go out of his way to try and make me feel worthless now. Last week he had IM’s me and asked me what’s for dinner – I told him lasagna. He chastised and poo-pooed me for making something hot when it was hot outside. I asked him what he would propose I make, and he sent me links to some articles bout something cold for dinner. I then informed him that they were all well and good…if I had any of the ingredients.
Over the weekend I had asked him a simple question about if this rubber tubing could go inside this fixture thingy, and he just went off again at me – yelling at me about what a “fucking stupid question” that was – about how much an idiot I was for asking such a “fucking stupid” thing… And this was in the middle of Lowe’s when he was belittling me.
Now mind you, this was after he took us to see the new Harry Potter movie at a special midnight showing. Of course I found out later that he took the next day off, so I question his reasoning for taking us – I thought he was just trying to be really nice and sweet, but now I wonder if he just did it as an excuse not go to work the next day.
Let’s see…what else…ah yes, my central a/c unit bit the big one. Now mind you, he would not normally have it fixed, but he has his frogs and they can’t take the heat (never mind the fact that I can’t take the heat either – he doesn’t give a crap about that). So when the repair guy said it’s done (the compressor is shot), he was ok with the idea of getting a window unit. I want several to take care of the house, but he would only allow one for the living room/dining room/den/kitchen (its all pretty much open). But it’s something, and something is better then nothing. (I want 2-3 smaller units for the bedrooms. I can get some at Wal-Mart or Lowe’s for about a hundred bucks each, but of course can’t do that cuz he spends all our money on frog crap).
Not only that, but he wouldn’t let me put it in the window I wanted to. It’s a wide window and would have to put wooden panels on either side of the unit. Now I told him this on IM when we were discussing it, but when it came down to doing it, he flipped. He kept saying that we didn’t have the wood, but we have some off to the side, but I think he just didn’t want me to use it. His excuse was that the window wouldn’t hold it, yet the window he put it in is holding it just find with no assistance. And he moved things around in the living room to “accommodate” where the unit is, and now he sits in front of the a/c, and I have no light to do my work.
I don’t know what’s got him so mad lately, but I’m back to being scared around him again – and with that comes the dread and panic attacks when the time for him to come home draws near.
So, that’s how things are shaping up in my life, lol.
So I have been avoiding writing this, mainly because there is a lot of it, but also because I don’t think I am going to like seeing it in written form – having to endure it was bad enough, but writing and reading it with a more objective eye is not a pleasant thing for me.
All right, enough stalling…
So things came to a head a little less then three years ago (9/08 -10/08). I had a computer fall on my foot at work more then three years before that (6/05), and I had been collecting workmen’s comp for two of those years (from 6/05 thru 6/07). The third I had lost my claim (unjustly, seeing how my foot is still screwed up and will be for the rest of my life). Even though I had been looking for a job that I could do at home, I had found none and money was beyond tight. I had started to make ends meat by using a credit card (yeah yeah, I know, not good), but soon that was going to max out. I know, why didn’t I just tell him about the money problems? I was terrified to, that’s why. He can be beyond mean and nasty and vile when he wants to, and I was trying to avoid it.
Well, as you can guess, I did have to finally put everything out there. And just as I thought, he was beyond mad. He changed his direct deposit to go into his personal account; I had to now gather each and every bill and prove to him what I need to pay the bills. If I had bills that were online only (no paper bill delivered), then I had to print them up for him. He would then go over everything with a fine tooth comb and decide if he was going to transfer the monies need to pay said bills. (there was one month where I couldn’t find the gas bill, and even though I had even payments set up and it was always the same, since I didn’t have the bill, he wouldn’t give me the money to pay it). This was only the beginning.
My grocery money had been cut over half to $50.00 a week (this was suppose to feed the three of us and two cats); he had taken my bank card and credit cards and cut them up (I usually paid for groceries and gas with my bank card); he went into my purse and took all my car keys and the key to the mail box; I was not allowed out of the house without him – he drove me to the grocery store; I was not allowed to take personal calls (he would stand over me if I did and interrogate me about who it was afterward).
He also started to rev up his verbal and emotional abuse to me (he had been doing this for a very long time before this, but he was taking it to a whole new level now). There wasn’t one thing I could do right – from laundry, to dishes to cleaning the house, to making the bed. He had been quite venomous with his attacks on me, and they kept escalating. It seemed his motto was “go for the pain, not the kill” (many times I wished he would just go for the kill and get it over with, in all sincerity). And his rules for doing said chores changed from day to day, so even though I thought I had done things to his satisfactory, it never was. I was so terrified whenever he was around – and I had daily panic attacks every day around 5:00 pm. He was going to be barreling through the door in 45 minutes, and I had to make a mad dash around the place to make sure everything was done.
I was constantly told that I wasn’t worth anything and I was useless, and why couldn’t I do the simplest of tasks. And of course I was forever being told how much of an idiot I was, and he said it with such hatred in his voice – true hatred and disgust. I prayed that I would die every night. I would have ended it right there for me if it weren’t for my youngest son. I couldn’t leave him alone and unprotected with this monster.
Was he ever physically violent? Well, he had punched my son in the chest once, to which I informed him that if he ever, EVER hit him again, I was going to call the cops on him. (it was a scary thing to watch; I saw the anger in T grow and build and then saw it explode on my son). Since then he hasn’t touched him, but he had a tendency to put him in the corner for over an hour several times, as well as the usual verbal and emotional abuse.
And as for me, well he had cracked me across the side of my head only once – never before then, never after then. But yeah, my logical side tells me once is once too much, and that it can happen again, and far worse. My irrational, distorted side tells me that as long as I don’t screw up, he won’t (bad game of Russian roulette, I know).
I also smoked. Yeah yeah, it’s bad for me, blah blah blah, I know, but it helped with my nerves, calmed me down. But of course that had to end – he had informed me that I was no longer allowed to smoke so poof – I had to quit cold turkey (it was not a pretty sight, let me tell you)…and yet another step in the process of controlling every aspect of my dismal existence. Also he had decided that coffee was too expensive, and I wasn’t worth the price, so I was no longer allowed that (I put milk in my coffee, and that was another expense that I wasn’t worthy of).
Then he finally gave me the ultimatum – I had two weeks to get a job, or he was kicking me out of the house. I was frantic, scouring the internet for something that I could do at home (as much as he wanted me to get a job, he liked me being home – I could do all the “womanly” chores, and plus I wouldn’t have any type of social activity).
And then I found it – a job that let me work at home, set my own hours, and had promised good money. I had gotten a job a PSO (that’s a phone sex operator). One that specialized in the AB/DL fetish, though was not restricted to that alone. I IM’d T and told him I got a job – gave him the name and the link. He couldn’t argue – he had given me an ultimatum and I complied. He just couldn’t see me talking about sex all day (boy, was he wrong, lol. Of course the subject of sex is another whole can of worms for another post I think; we’ll see). Now it wasn’t like he didn’t want me to do that type of work, he is pretty kinky himself, so that type of work didn’t bother him.
I think it was around here that I had started cutting myself, though I can’t be sure – it might have been before I got the job. I started with my fore arm, I had tried to hide it from T, but he eventually saw. Being the clueless fellow that he is, he just thought it was the cats scratching me (a bit too deep for cat scratches, but like I said, clueless). When I started cutting on my upper arm, he said, you can’t tell me that was cats. I simply told him no, I never said it was. And when he asked what they were, I told him the truth – that I did it and it was a way of coping with the inner pain. He never said anything. What could he say? He knew he was cruel to me – he did it on purpose. As he said, passive aggressive behavior was his “thing” (no lie – he said it like he was proud of it and it was a very conscience thing on his part. So when I say he went out of his way to hurt me, he most definitely did).
I was doing what I had to in order to survive. I was rolling coins from the coin tub to help pay for extra groceries. I had a spare key to the car that he didn’t know about so I would run to the 24 hour grocery store when he was asleep. (I also had a spare key to the mail box that he didn’t know about). I couldn’t use my car because the battery was dead and had a radiator leak, and of course he would not pay for such an expense – it was only my car and not worth the expense (I wasn’t going anywhere so what was the point?).
Now I should mention at this point that I had two cats; cats that he did not like because I gave them love and attention and they reciprocated; cats that he wanted to get rid of, but I have vehemently had said that I wasn’t going to get rid of another animal (another issue of ours); cats that cost money by eating and pooping.
Then came that fateful date – the day in which I told him that I needed money to pay a tax bill. He seized the opportunity and told me that I needed to get rid of the cats if I wanted the money. That if we lost the house to auction because of an unpaid property tax bill, then we were threw (yeah yeah, I should have cut my losses then), and I had to get rid of them that very day. What could I do? The bill was beyond over due and it needed to be taken care of immediately. I had to agree.
I was crying hysterically, my son was crying hysterically (this all happen before he went to school in the morning). He was so upset that he was brought down to the guidance counselor’s office. There, one of the teachers said she would take one of the cats and pick her up after school – one cat down, one to go. The other cat was a stray kitten we brought in (T had actually caught him, if you can believe it – the irony). He was never neutered or declawed, so I came up with the idea of just opening up the door and letting him go that way. (that way I might be able to still see him). I had made a little shelter for him, and put food and water out for him there.
But that was it – the last straw. I had chatted with my boss, and asked her if there was any way to split my check, and she said yes! I needed to put away money if I was ever going to have the option of getting away. What ever love, be it warped as it was, was dead. The key to the mailbox came in handy for this. I didn’t have an account of my own, so she sent my separate check through the mail. So I would have to go down to the mail boxes after it was delivered, but before he came home to get it.
By this time I was allowed to go to the grocery store on my own, but I had a time limit (an hour and a half), and I had to show him the receipt each time (which is kinda redundant because I only had the cash he gave me for groceries). I would use the opportunity to cash the check through the drive through that was open on Saturdays. But to open an account, I needed $100.00 and go during the day and during the week. The garage had once put some stuff in the radiator, and it stopped leaking. So with my newly found personal income, I got the same stuff; we have a battery charger, so I charged the dead battery. I now had a way to open an account during the day when he wasn’t home, and so I did. I had a ray of hope. As long as I split the groceries so I had a receipt that said only 50 bucks I was ok. I now had a way to pay for cat food for my wayward cat that was living in the back yard.
He was still being a real prick; at Christmas he wouldn’t get a Christmas tree (being the crafty person that I am, I actually made a four foot one out of wire fencing, green garland and decorated it – it came out really good! So much so that he said we were to use it the next year, which we did).
At this time I will mention that refusal to give him a blow job was not an option. The consequences lasted for weeks, and were not pleasant. Now he rarely would have intercourse with me, and when he did, I hadn’t been allowed to have an orgasm in years (and when I say rarely, I mean 3-4 times a year, no exaggeration, I kept track. And when I say I wasn’t allowed to have an orgasm, I mean he hadn’t been responsible for one – I did masturbate on my own when he wasn’t around or was asleep). But blow jobs, or hummers as he calls them, were a regular thing. He had once said I had ice in my veins, but when one is not allowed an orgasm, would the other actually think that one would want to have sex? FYI – females have their version of blue balls, and it lasts for 2 to 3 days, not fun!
Just a side note – Have I mentioned that we weren’t sleeping in the same bed? That had slowly ended years before that because (and I am going to be perfectly honest here) I snore and he would only allow me to sleep in one position at night – this would leave me in a lot of pain the next day, and the fact that he slept in the middle of the bed and only left me a sliver of the bed didn’t help. So I started sleeping on the pull out couch on the weekends, and eventually ended up out there all the time. After a while I was allowed to get a futon with a spring mattress and that was my bed. Now this “bed” of mine was in a den type room off to the side of the living room – it had a double wide doorway to it and no doors, so there was no privacy and was not like a bedroom or anything like that, but it was better then the couch. Ok, back to the main story…
Ya know what, that’s enough for now. I’ll pick it up another time….maybe, LOL.
Oh, what a wonderful weekend I had (not!). See, Friday night, when I had to ask for grocery money for the next morning, he told me that well, he wanted a blow job. If I wanted grocery money, I was going to have to blow him was the jest of it. I got so pissed off that I stormed out of the bed room (I was putting him to bed, and yes, I have to put him to bed). Immediately I knew I had screwed up – that I wasn’t going to be allowed to go grocery shopping unless I gave him a hummer, so I tried to go back, but it was too late – he was in his revenge mode and would have none of that.
I knew that if I didn’t fix this, then the next couple of weeks were going to be hell. So the next morning he was up early, and I proceeded to kiss his ass in a big way – seducing him, and not giving up. I had eventually swayed him to the bedroom and gave him his hummer to appease him. But of course I still had to be punished. So I was not allowed to go grocery shopping by myself, and he came along with me (trust me, this was a punishment – I hate him with me when I go grocery shopping; it’s the only time I get to get out of the house alone, and I relish every moment).
This just reminded me that no matter what, I am still going to be controlled and manipulated by him – it is never going to change. That I am completely alone and my life is never going to change. That just because I thought that things might have been getting better, the events of this past weekend, along with his regressing to previous less-savory behavior is just proof to the fact that they are not. That I am just so alone; that, coupled with other events that have brought me back to the knowledge that everyone leaves and no one really wants to be bothered with other peoples problems – certainly not mine. I’m just one of those people that are simple not worth the effort.
Ahh well. Maybe there’s a way I can get my Dad and Gail to take Adam so I can push my plans up early and end it now. I’m not going to make it much longer, I’m just too tired to put forth the effort any more.
Enough for now—
(This post was originally written 1/31/11 as well – quite a busy day for me it seems, LOL)
One of the reasons I started this blog/journal, besides making some sort of record of things, was to give me a place to put down my feelings and pain. There was a time that in order to deal with my inner pain, I cut myself; sliced my arm, my inner thigh. It was a way to stop the spiraling inner pain, sort of like when you slap a hysterical chick to get her under control – it was an outlet.
But I’ve been good for a good year and a half and not cut… until recently that is. I can’t seem to get on top of things, like a surfer getting on top of a giant wave. If I don’t ride it just so, it will come crashing down on my head with such force that it will keep me under and I will simply drown.
Don’t know what I’m gonna do if I can’t get this spiraling pain thing under control…