…the deconstruction of a once sane existence

Posts tagged “everyday

My Weekend

Oh, what a wonderful weekend I had (not!).  See, Friday night, when I had to ask for grocery money for the next morning, he told me that well, he wanted a blow job.  If I wanted grocery money, I was going to have to blow him was the jest of it.  I got so pissed off that I stormed out of the bed room (I was putting him to bed, and yes, I have to put him to bed).  Immediately I knew I had screwed up – that I wasn’t going to be allowed to go grocery shopping unless I gave him a hummer, so I tried to go back, but it was too late – he was in his revenge mode and would have none of that.

I knew that if I didn’t fix this, then the next couple of weeks were going to be hell.  So the next morning he was up early, and I proceeded to kiss his ass in a big way – seducing him, and not giving up.  I had eventually swayed him to the bedroom and gave him his hummer to appease him.  But of course I still had to be punished.  So I was not allowed to go grocery shopping by myself, and he came along with me (trust me, this was a punishment – I hate him with me when I go grocery shopping; it’s the only time I get to get out of the house alone, and I relish every moment).

This just reminded me that no matter what, I am still going to be controlled and manipulated by him – it is never going to change.  That I am completely alone and my life is never going to change.  That just because I thought that things might have been getting better, the events of this past weekend, along with his regressing to previous less-savory behavior is just proof to the fact that they are not. That I am just so alone; that, coupled with other events that have brought me back to the knowledge that everyone leaves and no one really wants to be bothered with other peoples problems – certainly not mine.  I’m just one of those people that are simple not worth the effort.

Ahh well.  Maybe there’s a way I can get my Dad and Gail to take Adam so I can push my plans up early and end it now.  I’m not going to make it much longer, I’m just too tired to put forth the effort any more.

Enough for now—




So, it’s the 18 of April, and tax day.  He went and spent over a thousand bucks (more like $1500.00, if not more) on frog stuff (and he doesn’t even have the frogs yet, ugh),  and when we paid the taxes, we had to use the credit card to pay it, and beg borrow and steal to pay the state taxes, cuz  they only take payments from accounts, not credit cards.  And all in time for my birthday this Friday and Easter this Sunday.

Now here’s an added bonus, the last major purchase he made for his frog stuff, was a security cam system, complete with 8 cameras.  Seems he wanted to be able to watch his frogs (which he doesn’t have yet mind you), but all I can see is a way for him to spy on me.  Of course he insisted it was to watch his frogs, but wouldn’t ya know it, he pointed one of those stupid cameras right where I sit in the living room.  The man needs some serious professional help.

But before that, he said he wanted to give me his computer room for a bedroom (at the time I had my futon in the side room off the living room – no doors, just a double wide opening like you would see between a living room and a dining room).  I jumped at it, before he could change his mind, though I always thought he would anyways and take it back, which he hasn’t (says he likes the idea of me having my own room, go figure).

Oh, and did I mention that the washer died last week?  I was sooo upset; thought he would tell me to deal, worse case scenario – that I would have to wash everything by hand.  Best – I would be able to go to the Laundromat and actually dry the clothes).  But then he said to look and see if Lowe’s had a 6-month same as cash thing, and then we could go get a washer/dryer from there.  I was floored, but again, jumped at it.  Of course the day they were suppose to deliver them, their truck broke down and had to wait an additional 2 days to get them, but I have them now, and I no longer have to hang every thing up – WOOT (my dryer hasn’t been able to dry anything for a year and a half)!

Wow, I really haven’t written in a while, because I just realized that I didn’t mention that he let me finally get glasses too!  Have needed them for two years, and he backed out of my last attempt at getting glasses.  He was none too pleased in letting me make an appointment (it was Adam’s 16th birthday, and he took the day off and kept Adam out of school for the day).  It took way too long in his opinion, but he muddled through, even though it still was quite expensive in my assessment (even with insurance), he paid it and let me get them.  Oh I ended up getting progressive with 3 lines of vision – my first pair of glasses and they’re bifocals, lol.

Ok, stopping right now –

…To Spite Your Face

(well,  I seem to have a habit of writing drafts and not post them – this is entry no. two for 1/31/11 that i didn’t post………it was a bad day, trust me.  So, true to form, I’m posting them late, but at least I’m posting them, LOL)

Well, just opened up a box that was delivered and guess what I found?  You will never EVER guess!!  A side mirror to hubby’s outlander.  Gave him an IM, and asked him about it.  Seems he smashed it a couple of weeks ago.  (Never once said a word to me, btw)  Apparently he was on his way to work, when some guy, going the opposite way, smashed the mirror driving by. (yeah, THAT close!)  according to T, the other guy was a foot on his side and there was no shoulder, so I’m assuming they skimmed each other.  The other guy kept going and T was left with a smashed mirror.  He even admitted that and inch closer, and things would have been much, much worse.

Now I know…a few questions arise from this little story – first and foremost, could T not swerve out of the way?  Well, let me tell you, that is not what T does…he will ride the dividing line if he thinks the on coming car is too close to his side of the road.  He feels it is his duty to teach the other driver to stay on their side of the road.  Isn’t he afraid he will cause an accident you ask?  He believes that if an accident should occur, it will be the other driver’s fault, so they will have to take care of everything.  Forget the fact that he would have no way to get home…he would have to get a tow truck…get it to a garage…deal with his insurance company…figure out a way to get to and from work…….yeah, he wouldn’t have to deal with anything – NOT!

This is a discussion I have had with him so many, many times, for I have been sitting next to him countless times when he has done this.  I have called him the poster child for ‘cutting your nose off to spite your face’.  For some god forsaken reason he thinks that everyone should get out of his way and cow-tow to his will, his wishes.  And let me tell you, he sort of laughs it off when he ends up on the other side of the line and he gets in someone else’s way.

So, anyways, now we are stuck with the bill of a brand new side mirror (yeah, I know, he should have checked around and gotten a second-hand one), and getting it installed.  And for some reason it is no big deal that he did this – that he is actually responsible for the entire incident (I mean really – doesn’t one know by the age of 46 that you DON’T play chicken on the road??).

And to rub salt in the wound, he has been mad at me for the last two weeks, being snide and giving me the silent treatment (this was because I used Skype – he was under the delusion that I had to log into a persons personal server to get into Skype and talk to them.  A fact that is, and if you have ever used Skype you know this already, simply is not true.) He was under the impression that the person I was chatting to could trace my ip address and find where I am.  (ok, this is where I call him idiot).  So here I have been – beating myself up, tip-toeing around him, trying not to ensue his wrath any further, a giant knot in my stomach eating away at my insides, and he went ahead and caused an accident and didn’t say a word – geesh.

Am I such a horrible person that I bring this type of mayhem onto myself?  Am I atoning for some horrific deed from my checkered past?  Am I just a bad person who deserves no happiness or joy in their life?  If this is what the powers that be are trying to beat me over the head with, then I should just move my plans up and end it asap.

Ahh well…. so, there is yet another tidbit that is transforming my sanity into something that is not.


My Little Drama

~~~Ok, so a quick note on this post – I had drafted it back on 11/28/10, but somehow didn’t post it, so I figured I might as well go ahead and post it, for what it’s worth~~~


So, the other week (on a Sunday) we sprung a leak in the bathroom – more precisely the water line leading to the toilet.  I was silently freaking out (as usual), trying to figure out a way to fix the damn thing.  T (Tony) was being oblivious to the whole situation, being hands off (as usual).

Now the reason for my freakage was because I can never predict what his reaction will be.  More times then not he finds a way to blame me for the situation and tells me to “deal with it” – on my own of course.  So Monday morning I went on the hunt for plumber’s putty, hoping that I could fix it on my own.  Took a few stores, but I finally found some, and spent the next four hours trying to plug up this leak that was not only making a small pond in the bathroom, but was also forming a small stream in the kitchen (they share a wall and water was flowing under the wall – don’t ask).

By this time I was on the verge of tears, worried what his reaction would be, and had to concede that I was not going to be able to fix it myself.  I IM’d T, resigned to be ridiculed for my obvious inability to fix it myself, but lord and behold, he was understanding, nonjudgmental,  and simply responded that I should call the plumber.

WOW!!  Was NOT expecting that response – no name calling, no complaining about having to pay someone to come in and fix it, no sneering or being snide; just nicely saying that it probably was an easy fix, and that I will have to clean up.  Period, the end, stick a fork in it.  I was left speechless, and pleasantly surprised – the knot that was residing in the pit of my stomach suddenly dissolved and it seemed like the heavens opened and up and sunshine was bathing me in its warmth (too melodramatic? LOL).

Well, anyways, that was my little drama with the bathroom leak.  Might not seem all that much to an observer, but to me it was a bit traumatic, riddled with worse-case-scenarios, but in the end, not so bad 🙂 !