…the deconstruction of a once sane existence

Posts tagged “hurt

How Things are Yet Again…

I’m not in a good way right now.  Seems he has gone back to his way of derogating me – swearing at me, belittling me, etc.  I’m back to not being able to do anything right again, going back to him changing they way he wants done again.  Even the simplest of things seem to be a source of ridicule with him. 

Case in point – (this is dumb, but it’s a good example) I had first prepared his Steakums sandwich leaving the steak patties whole; he then asked me to shred them, draining the grease from it, and mixing the cheese throughout the Steakums, and not just on top.  Now he came up to me while I was cooking them, watched me shred his steak, and asked me why I do that to his.  I informed him because that was how he said he wanted his Steakums fixed.  He went on to say that ohh no, he never said such a thing. I debated the point with him, and my son confirmed that yes, he had indeed wanted his Steakums that way.  Even after that, he denied it fanatically, so now he is back to having his Steakums fixed the way I originally did.

And he has gotten nasty again.  Swearing at me with such zeal and disgust it throws me off guard every time.  Tell me how much of an idiot I am; how stupid and what an ass and bitch I am.  I’m back to being afraid to open my mouth again around him.  He seems to go out of his way to try and make me feel worthless now.  Last week he had IM’s me and asked me what’s for dinner – I told him lasagna.  He chastised and poo-pooed me for making something hot when it was hot outside.  I asked him what he would propose I make, and he sent me links to some articles bout something cold for dinner.  I then informed him that they were all well and good…if I had any of the ingredients.

Over the weekend I had asked him a simple question about if this rubber tubing could go inside this fixture thingy, and he just went off again at me – yelling at me about what a “fucking stupid question” that was – about how much an idiot I was for asking such a “fucking stupid” thing…  And this was in the middle of Lowe’s when he was belittling me.

Now mind you, this was after he took us to see the new Harry Potter movie at a special midnight showing.  Of course I found out later that he took the next day off, so I question his reasoning for taking us – I thought he was just trying to be really nice and sweet, but now I wonder if he just did it as an excuse  not go to work the next day.

Let’s see…what else…ah yes, my central a/c unit bit the big one.  Now mind you, he would not normally have it fixed, but he has his frogs and they can’t take the heat (never mind the fact that I can’t take the heat either – he doesn’t give a crap about that).  So when the repair guy said it’s done (the compressor is shot), he was ok with the idea of getting a window unit.  I want several to take care of the house, but he would only allow one for the living room/dining room/den/kitchen (its all pretty much open).  But it’s something, and something is better then nothing. (I want 2-3 smaller units for the bedrooms.  I can get some at Wal-Mart or Lowe’s for about a hundred bucks each, but of course can’t do that cuz he spends all our money on frog crap).

Not only that, but he wouldn’t let me put it in the window I wanted to.  It’s a wide window and would have to put wooden panels on either side of the unit.  Now I told him this on IM when we were discussing it, but when it came down to doing it, he flipped.  He kept saying that we didn’t have the wood, but we have some off to the side, but I think he just didn’t want me to use it.  His excuse was that the window wouldn’t hold it, yet the window he put it in is holding it just find with no assistance.  And he moved things around in the living room to “accommodate” where the unit is, and now he sits in front of the a/c, and I have no light to do my work.

I don’t know what’s got him so mad lately, but I’m back to being scared around him again – and with that comes the dread and panic attacks when the time for him to come home draws near.

So, that’s how things are shaping up in my life, lol.

~M~~~


My Weekend

Oh, what a wonderful weekend I had (not!).  See, Friday night, when I had to ask for grocery money for the next morning, he told me that well, he wanted a blow job.  If I wanted grocery money, I was going to have to blow him was the jest of it.  I got so pissed off that I stormed out of the bed room (I was putting him to bed, and yes, I have to put him to bed).  Immediately I knew I had screwed up – that I wasn’t going to be allowed to go grocery shopping unless I gave him a hummer, so I tried to go back, but it was too late – he was in his revenge mode and would have none of that.

I knew that if I didn’t fix this, then the next couple of weeks were going to be hell.  So the next morning he was up early, and I proceeded to kiss his ass in a big way – seducing him, and not giving up.  I had eventually swayed him to the bedroom and gave him his hummer to appease him.  But of course I still had to be punished.  So I was not allowed to go grocery shopping by myself, and he came along with me (trust me, this was a punishment – I hate him with me when I go grocery shopping; it’s the only time I get to get out of the house alone, and I relish every moment).

This just reminded me that no matter what, I am still going to be controlled and manipulated by him – it is never going to change.  That I am completely alone and my life is never going to change.  That just because I thought that things might have been getting better, the events of this past weekend, along with his regressing to previous less-savory behavior is just proof to the fact that they are not. That I am just so alone; that, coupled with other events that have brought me back to the knowledge that everyone leaves and no one really wants to be bothered with other peoples problems – certainly not mine.  I’m just one of those people that are simple not worth the effort.

Ahh well.  Maybe there’s a way I can get my Dad and Gail to take Adam so I can push my plans up early and end it now.  I’m not going to make it much longer, I’m just too tired to put forth the effort any more.

Enough for now—

~M~~~


Release Valve

(This post was originally written 1/31/11 as well – quite a busy day for me it seems, LOL)

One of the reasons I started this blog/journal, besides making some sort of record of things, was to give me a place to put down my feelings and pain.  There was a time that in order to deal with my inner pain, I cut myself; sliced my arm, my inner thigh.  It was a way to stop the spiraling inner pain, sort of like when you slap a hysterical chick to get her under control – it was an outlet.

But I’ve been good for a good year and a half and not cut… until recently that is.  I can’t seem to get on top of things, like a surfer getting on top of a giant wave.  If I don’t ride it just so, it will come crashing down on my head with such force that it will keep me under and I will simply drown.

Don’t know what I’m gonna do if I can’t get this spiraling pain thing under control…


~M~~~


Pain

Ya know, I don’t know what it is with me – do I have some neon sign blinking over my head saying dumb-ass?  Gullible bitch that is dumb enough to believe whatever line anyone spiels? That’s right! Step right up folks, give the lil’ missy you’re most outrageous line, throw in some puppy dog eyes and an innuendo of mock sincerity, and she will give you whatever the hell you want!!

… I am just a putz ….  See what happens when you think, if only for a moment, that there are people out there that don’t want to use you for whatever purpose that suits them?  I am such an idiot… ahh well…..back to being stone cold…time to start getting serious about getting everything in order…I’m not gonna make it for three more years – just too much damn work.  Time to concentrate on getting my affairs in order – go through everything and throw stuff away and organize things.  I just don’t get why anyone would want to stay in this world…I sure as hell don’t want to.

~M~~~

(this draft was originally written 1/31/11)


Spiraling

Well, I seem to be spiraling yet again into a pit of despair and depression.  Or is it just a giant pity party I’m throwing for myself?  Who knows.  Wondering if I can wait three more years to end it.  Ahh, that’s right, I haven’t had a chance to explain my plan.  See, I have a fifteen year old son living at home, and I am waiting for him to get out on his own to put myself out of my misery – can’t leave him alone with my sadistic husband, see.  Thinking that I could even just get him situated with one of his grandparents and that will due.  Well, I have a few years to get to straightened and set up.  (I feel a rant coming on…)

Every time I let my guard down and let someone in, it always bites me on the ass.  When will I ever learn?  I mean seriously, you would think that I would have learned by now.  I swear, they wait ‘til they think they have gotten you to get your guard down, then ZOAWY!  They go for the hurt, relishing in seeing you retch in anguish.   Well, plugging up that hole the wall again, and it’s not gonna budge this time.  Gonna tuck myself even further down into the depth of my pain and despair.

Now all I’m hoping for is for everything to be deadened – if I can’t feel anything, then I don’t have to feel the pain and hurt that chews away at my existence.  Right now I am feeling WAY too much.  Can’t seem to reel it in and control it like I usually do.  It’s my fault really.  I left myself vulnerable to being hurt.  Note to self: not matter how much I think that I can trust, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ALLOW!!! (Danger Will Robertson! Danger! LOL)

(Definitely a rant with a very large portion of pity!)

~M~~~