…the deconstruction of a once sane existence

Posts tagged “suicide

My Weekend

Oh, what a wonderful weekend I had (not!).  See, Friday night, when I had to ask for grocery money for the next morning, he told me that well, he wanted a blow job.  If I wanted grocery money, I was going to have to blow him was the jest of it.  I got so pissed off that I stormed out of the bed room (I was putting him to bed, and yes, I have to put him to bed).  Immediately I knew I had screwed up – that I wasn’t going to be allowed to go grocery shopping unless I gave him a hummer, so I tried to go back, but it was too late – he was in his revenge mode and would have none of that.

I knew that if I didn’t fix this, then the next couple of weeks were going to be hell.  So the next morning he was up early, and I proceeded to kiss his ass in a big way – seducing him, and not giving up.  I had eventually swayed him to the bedroom and gave him his hummer to appease him.  But of course I still had to be punished.  So I was not allowed to go grocery shopping by myself, and he came along with me (trust me, this was a punishment – I hate him with me when I go grocery shopping; it’s the only time I get to get out of the house alone, and I relish every moment).

This just reminded me that no matter what, I am still going to be controlled and manipulated by him – it is never going to change.  That I am completely alone and my life is never going to change.  That just because I thought that things might have been getting better, the events of this past weekend, along with his regressing to previous less-savory behavior is just proof to the fact that they are not. That I am just so alone; that, coupled with other events that have brought me back to the knowledge that everyone leaves and no one really wants to be bothered with other peoples problems – certainly not mine.  I’m just one of those people that are simple not worth the effort.

Ahh well.  Maybe there’s a way I can get my Dad and Gail to take Adam so I can push my plans up early and end it now.  I’m not going to make it much longer, I’m just too tired to put forth the effort any more.

Enough for now—

~M~~~


Spiraling

Well, I seem to be spiraling yet again into a pit of despair and depression.  Or is it just a giant pity party I’m throwing for myself?  Who knows.  Wondering if I can wait three more years to end it.  Ahh, that’s right, I haven’t had a chance to explain my plan.  See, I have a fifteen year old son living at home, and I am waiting for him to get out on his own to put myself out of my misery – can’t leave him alone with my sadistic husband, see.  Thinking that I could even just get him situated with one of his grandparents and that will due.  Well, I have a few years to get to straightened and set up.  (I feel a rant coming on…)

Every time I let my guard down and let someone in, it always bites me on the ass.  When will I ever learn?  I mean seriously, you would think that I would have learned by now.  I swear, they wait ‘til they think they have gotten you to get your guard down, then ZOAWY!  They go for the hurt, relishing in seeing you retch in anguish.   Well, plugging up that hole the wall again, and it’s not gonna budge this time.  Gonna tuck myself even further down into the depth of my pain and despair.

Now all I’m hoping for is for everything to be deadened – if I can’t feel anything, then I don’t have to feel the pain and hurt that chews away at my existence.  Right now I am feeling WAY too much.  Can’t seem to reel it in and control it like I usually do.  It’s my fault really.  I left myself vulnerable to being hurt.  Note to self: not matter how much I think that I can trust, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ALLOW!!! (Danger Will Robertson! Danger! LOL)

(Definitely a rant with a very large portion of pity!)

~M~~~